Not Victoria, but Gordn in honour of Victoria:
Dave let the faded photograph slip from his fingers to his desk. He called it unrequited love, his friends called it unhealthy infatuation. For months he had pined away for Rose, but no longer. Tonight at the town ball he would finally tell her how he felt. He looked himself over in the mirror, brushing each leaf into place with exacting detail. "Well," he said to his mirror image, "you're looking about as good as a cabbage can look." With an excited breath he rolled away to meet his destiny.
"No, Rose isn't coming."
He stood stoic, but those who knew him would have detected Dave's leaves wilting ever so slightly at the news. He sulked off to the darkest corner of the hall he could find. Cracking open a bottle of apple cider he drunk it down greedily, wishing he could just move on and start enjoying life. At that moment the hall doors creaked open, uncovering a stunning vision of matte-white grace. Dave's eyes locked with hers, the most beautiful egg he had ever seen. They both began to roll, closing the distance between them, transfixed on each other.
"Ah Dave, meet Juliegg. She's just arrived from-" His friend trailed off, seeing that they were oblivious to everything going on around them. This was the deepest of love at first sight. They danced the night away.
Dave rolled out of the hall on his way home, his heart beating only for her. He knew that their families had been bitter enemies for generations, but he couldn't help the way he felt. Plans had been made to meet the next night. Suddenly, seemingly from the heavens he heard Juliegg's voice. He could just make out her form with another on the balcony above.
"I will not marry Count Cole. I am in love with another cabbage. His name is Dave."
Upon hearing this, Dave was forever hers, and she his.
Time stood still when they were apart. They were married within weeks in a private ceremony, but their union threw both families into upheaval.
—-
Juliegg slumped to the floor in grief.
"There, there child, there may something we can do." Friar Fennel reached his hand to her and pulled her back onto her seat. He had married her just two nights prior, in the hopes of bridging the divide between both families. Instead, his actions had driven the wedge deeper. Juliegg had finished explaining that her father was insisting she marry Count Cole under threat of disownment. "Drink this olive oil potion, it will put you into a death-like sleep for forty-eight hours. I will send a messenger to tell Dave to meet you when you awaken, then the two of you can escape to live life to the fullest together."
The bottle fell to the floor as the last drop of potion passed her lips.
—-
"It's true Dave, I'm so sorry. Juliegg has passed." Wiping tears from his eyes, Dave muscled past his friend. The news of her passing spread faster than any messenger. Grief welled up within Dave as he stumbled through the streets. When he finally regained his senses he was standing in front of an apothecary with a bottle in hand. "Poison of the Dijon" it read. He slipped the vial into his pocket and left to visit his Juliegg one last time.
—-
"Juliegg, you were to be mine. I loved you so." breathed Count Cole. He looked up as another cabbage burst into the crypt. "Vandal get out!" he shouted as he made to stand in between Juliegg and the intruder. He pulled a rapier from his scabbard.
Dave looked on to his love, past the cabbage and past the rapier pointed at him and. He cried out with anguish of one hundred broken hearts at the sight. Count Cole advanced, slashing at Dave with surprising quickness. Dave loosed his own rapier, and the battle was joined.
Count Cole collapsed, dead, shredded into pieces. Dave had won, but his wounds were mortal. He touched Juliegg on the cheek, and wept, pulling the vial out of his pocket. He drank the dijon, and closed his eyes for the last time.
—-
"What do you mean you couldn't deliver the message?" Friar Fennel's heart quickened.
"I couldn't find him, Friar."
"Oh no-" The Friar gathered himself and ran out mumbling "Maybe it's not too late."
—-
Juliegg finally awoke. She surveyed her surroundings. A lifeless hand lay across her waist. She knew it was the hand of her love. Salty tears came unbidden, falling onto Dave. She trembled. Reaching down she grabbed Dave's sword off of the floor and plunged it into herself just as Friar Fennel raced into the crypt. It was too late. He prayed for their souls, sprinkling fennel seeds on them as he did so.
"This love was the truest love." he eulogized.
In the following days, Dave and Juliegg's families were reconciled by the deaths of their children. The township implemented a new law banning the sale of poison of any kind to minors. This law was called Count Cole's Law.
Coleslaw Recipe:
cabbage, shredded
egg
olive oil
fennel seeds
salt
apple cider vinegar
dijon mustard
Combine all of it in a bowl and eat with a loved one.
